Imsorry Quotes

It used to be fun to jokingly reply ya mama when my mom asked from another room who was in the kitchen or teased me about anything and now it's not fun to say it nor I imagine is it easy for her to hear it. It just reminds us both that my grandmom, her mom, isn't here anymore. When I said it in the past it was silly but it was also a nice reminder that she was alive, well, and my mom could jokingly threaten to tell her that I was talking bad about her. Talking about her isn't a taboo in the house now, of course, we mention her all the time. But in this instance, it feels wrong. I've avoided using the phrase at all for the last two months, but today it slipped out, and there was silence afterwards. I felt bad that I'd said it aloud, and my mom had nothing to retort. She was in another room, and I could picture her sitting there letting my words hit her.... God, how I wish there was any truth left to it. That any little noise or minor mishap really was ''ya mama''. 

i told myself i would stop making these quotes bUT 
i'm 17 and i'm technically a sophmore in college because of AP credits & i mean i thought that was something to be proud of???????
but everyone in my life (parents, friends, roommate, even my freaking RA) thinks i'm like stupid and have no future but i'm already a sophmore??? (and i register for classes @ the same time as my RA so)
is it full of myself to be proud of myself for this????????

i'm sorry i keep making these but i don't have anywhere else to turn i'm so unhappy and i can't think straight and life was supposed to get better after high school but i've never felt so low and i'm so alone and i don't have anyone to go to and everything is a mess and my home is so broken and we had a fall break and i go back to school tomorrow and that should be good but i can't muster up the energy to eat much less act like i'm fine to my roommate and i can't even breathe but i have a three page paper due on tuesday along with an electronic thing that i can't even look at because i don't know what to do and two tests on wednesday in my hardest classes and i can't think anything but how tired i am of fighting and how i just want to be okay and i'm so sorry i need to put my feelings somewhere and i just i'm so tired and i don't think i can do it and i'm so alone and i don't know i don't know i'm sorry

God, I'm so in love with you.
But I always knew her name would be the one you repeat in your head over and over and I knew her face would never leave your mind and all the things she's ever told you would come up into your memory whenever someone speaks of something she likes. My eyes aren't as brown as hers, and my personality isn't as radiant either but oh God, do I love you.
Maybe if I spoke a little louder, or had more interesting stories to say, I would be the one you want.
But she's beautiful and I'm not and she has your attention and that's not something I can win over without having to throw myself at you.
I have no idea how many times I've apologized to myself for not being good enough for you. You were never supposed to end up with someone like me anyway. But God, do I love you.