While sitting here trying to figure out my purpose in a world
that seems to loath my existence. I've had the epiphany
that I think my purpose is to care for those who cannot care
for themselves. And if you can't care for yourself, then
you can't care for others which means I'll strike out
each and every time. It'll never matter what I do for them
or how much I care for them. They will never be able to love me
the way I love them. They'll never be able to care for me
the way I care for them. My purpose is to make others feel like
they have worth. All the while, I am chronically lonely without
ever truly being alone. I don't want to do it anymore.
Maybe that's selfish for not wanting to make others feel
worthy of something, or feel loved without having it
reciprocated back. I don't think I was ever meant to be
happy. When is someone going to come along and make me feel
worthy and loved? Where is that someone who won't just love
me for the first few years and stop trying once they have me?
Where is my person who drops everything for me because they
want to see me happy, not because my sadness makes them feel
guilty?
I don't think that person exists. It doesn't have to be
a significant other, but what about even just a friend? A
friend that doesn't make me feel like a burden when I talk
to them? A friend that texts first? A friend that keeps my
secrets and doesn't judge me for anything? A friend that
puts me ahead of other friends like I would for them?
Who am I kidding?
sick of
crying
tired of
trying
yeah
i'm smiling
but inside
I'm dying
♥
▤▧▥▨▤▧▥▨▤▧▥▨▤▧▥▨▤▧▥▨▤▧▥▨▤▧▥▨▤▧
And it
sucks;
doesn't want to hear it.
7/31/18
