When
a girl
says,
"I'm
fine",
she
doesn't
really
mean
it.
The scale goes great, good, okay, not okay, I hate you, I'm fine.
The scale goes great, good, okay, not okay, I hate you, I'm fine.
sometimes I feel depressed, but I don't know
why...
I am not angry. You put me here...the person who
was supposed to love me the most. You deserted
me.
Right
now, I feel crippled by all the
mistakes I've made. The weigh so heavilly on me I
don't feel I can work towards change or growth.
That's what I'm always meant to do, what I've
always tried to do, and right now I just feel I can't;
I've given up the right to try.
That's what it feels like. And I won't let that
feeling carry on forever, I'll pick up the ball and start
climbing up again. There are things
in this world I want to change, I want to fight. It
didn't matter how small I am. And the weight of my
shoulders may have shrunk me for now, but
I'll grow again, and I'll fight again,
one day sometime.
Debating was a large part of my formative years, and throughout all
my teenage ones it really helped form me as who I am. Debating
showed me what it was like to be listened to, what it felt like
when people heard the ideas you wanted to share, and not just heard
but took them in and digested them and responded to them. It was in
my school's debating club where I found people who were like me
-- who wanted to win, and weren't embarrased about it; who took
criticism as advice or suggestions rather than bullets; who had a
thirst for knowledge obnoxious as dustiest part of a scholar
library; and who's jokes were just as crass and rude and
ill-informed and funny as mine. Debating was where I made a lot of
friends. It was where I became loud and clever and rude and I made
mistake after mistake and felt okay with that because it meant
growing and learning and striving for better. But I stopped. I did
it less and less, I pulled back, because when you start to lose
parts of yourself -- when they go to sleep for a bit -- you
don't want to taint the things you care about with that stain.
But friends stayed friends. And then at university after years of
pulling away and trying to turn my back, I returned to debating,
and made plans to see a friend there as well, a friend from another
university I went to high school with who was visiting mine. And I
was ready to go back to debating, I thought. But that friend killed
themselves the weekend before we were going to meet up. That friend
was a lot of what debating was to me. I didn't go in the end.
And for now, I'm not loud or clever or funny or crass or brave.
For now, I'm half. And that friend is six feet under, and
she's rotting in the ground, and I feel like my spirit to make
this world a better place is rotting with her.
i
promise
to
be
good
to
you.
i
could
never
hate
you.
you
are
not
toxic.
please
listen
to
me.
you
are
the
sun.
you
are
the
moon.
you
are
the
stars,
wrapped
into
human
form.
and
i
am
not
much.
but
i
prommise
to
be
good
to
you.
i
could
never
hate
you.
you
are
not
toxic.
please
listen
to
me.
I'm coming to a point in my life where I just
don't want anyone else there with me. I don't need it. I
used to sit and wonder how on earth I could survive without my
best friend, or some boyfriend at the time. And now I am here,
perfectly content with the idea of being alone. Because being
alone doesn't mean I am lonely. My nights are restless not
because I don't have someone to sing me to sleep, it is
because my thoughts are racing a million miles a second, and they
scream. I do not isolate myself on purpose, nor do I feel left
out. I used to be insecure and worried about whether or not my
friends liked me, or if I appeared weird or obscene to all of the
strangers who pass by me. Now, I just don't care. I don't
want to be in a relationship because I know I am too
self-absorbed and not patient enough to dedicate my time and
energy towards another person who could very well just treat me
like sh/t. All I ever wanted at some point was a boyfriend, I met
the man I thought I was going to marry. And you know what really
scares me sometimes? The fact that I successfully let him go. I
check up on him occasionally but we have not spoken a peaceful
word in months on top of months and I do not know if there is any
more love in my heart for that man. And he was once someone who
became my everything, and I would have died for him. Now, I am
just repulsed by those kinds of relationships. I am suprised at
the type of person i am becoming because I used to cling onto
every relationship and friendship of mine with my whole,dear,
naive life, and nowthe only person I have tolerance for is
myself. I love it because I feel my independence grow more and
more every single day. I am afraid that I am heading towards
being truly heartless and cold, what I once aspired to be but
couldn't achieve because I cared too much. I used to always
care too much. And now? I feel very close to nothing at
all.
I signed back on to this site to see the cringe fest that is you
emos whining about your first world problems
