Just a vent. I tell everyone that I'm fine. But I'm not.

Just a vent.
I tell everyone that I'm fine. But I'm not. I'm not. Let's start, shall we?
One of the bestest friends I've ever had, we fight. So much. It breaks
both of us every time. We both know it. I don't want to stop talking to
her, butI know how much it hurts her. And she has enough problems of
her ownalready. I just add to it. It makes me feel even more guilty. And
I'm always such a b.tch to her. I feel horrible. I don't mean to be, but
then I snap. Like a pencil. But I can't totally break yet. And then there's
Jake. I don't want him to go. Last night I stayed up for hours talking
him out of it. But what happens when he doesn't care what I say?
What happens when just a text isn't enough? I live half an hour
away. By car. If he doesn't want to listen to me, he'll do it, and I won't
be able to stop him. I got lucky last time. Because the noose broke.
That won't happen next time. I think I love him. But I'm not sure
anymore. -- I cut last night, too. I deserve the pain. The guilt. I deserve
all of it. I'm an ungrateful b.tch. A self-centered wh0re. And in my
honest opinion, I don't think people should bother caring about
me. All I ever do is cause problems for them. If I died today, it
would make things easier on everyone else. I know you might think,
oh, what about when so-and-so finds you dead? And starts crying,
etc. But no, you're wrong. Dead wrong. (Get it? haha) My mother
wouldn't have to spend money on me all the time. She could do
whatever the hell she wanted. My father wouldn't waste gas
to pick me up all the time. My friends wouldn't have to listen to
me complain about my problems. Wouldn't have to worry about
me anymore. The rest of my family wouldn't have to deal with me
and my annoying, stupid personality. My teachers would have less
papers to grade. Everyone would be happier. Maybe I'd be
happy wherever I'd end up. But I just can't stand this anymore.
I don't wanna be here. Saturday night, 9 pm. Maybe I'll be gone.