I may be unknown, fake, invisible, but what does it matter? It
doesn't, and it never will as long as I'm not ugly.
The reflection of the mirror is unbearable, my ice cold eyes,
burning with flames when I look at it. I don't think
I'll ever be pretty enough to look in a mirror without
cringing.
I'm an outcast in school, but the way he smiles, it makes
my reflection a million times better.
But I can't fall in love,
because nothing lasts forever.
***
The school bell rung loudly hurting my ears like it always
did. I closed my rusty, old locker door after getting out my
books.
Walking slowly, replaying One Direction songs in my head, I
stared at the ground. There were millions of things thrown on
it; straw wrappers, pencils, gum, paper, maybe thats why I
was judged, I went to a crappy school, filled with crappy
people, except him.
Holding the door open for me, he said, "Hey, Hanna,
right?"
I blushed wildly, "Yeah, and you're David?"
"The one and only," he smiled. This was the first
time he ever spoke to me.
After taking my seat, I thought to myself, 'He is a liar,
he's going to play you, you can't fall in love,'
because I couldn't. If he broke up with me, I'd lose
my life. It'd take the scars on my wrist to a new level.
A level I didn't want to be in, because it's
impossible to beat.
Getting home, angrier than ever that David talked to me, I
grabbed my razor and dug it into my already scarred wrist. I
felt relief, freedom when the blood dripped down, and fell
hard and fast on my bathroom floor.
Sitting in silence, I cut more. One cut, two cuts, I
wouldn't end until ten.
Standing up, my anger came back to me.
I glared at the mirror as my reflection showed.
Short, brown, frizzy hair. Big, ugly nose. Small, dark brown
eyes. Fat.
The list wouldn't end, it never would even if I stood
here forever. I grabbed my makeup, painting it on my face,
more and more. Opening my eyes again, the wincing was less,
but it was still there.
I didn't care if I looked fake, as long as I
wasn't ugly.
Shoving headphones into my ears, all the blood still pooled
on the floor. My mom wouldn't care, she never would.
"You're insecure, don't know what for,
you're turning heads when you walk through the door,
don't need makeup, to cover up, being the way that you
are is enough," blasted into my ears. The words coming
out of my mouth sounded different, better. "You're
insecure, I know what for, you're hurting heads when you
walk through the door, need makeup, to be beautiful, being
the way that you are isn't enough."
I wish I could change the song, because what I was singing
was the truth.
Staring at my reflection, I bawled, tears pouring out of my
eyes in an instant. My makeup was smudging, the
'beauty' was fading, the tears ran quicker.
Why wasn't I beautiful?