DXARRRUUAL

I hate seeing you happy without me.

I miss you. I miss you so much, but the weird thing is that I don't miss you all the time. I don't miss you until the whole world has stopped and it's just me and you. I feel like crying evey time this happens because of the severe pain of no longer having you in my life and the fact that I could have gotten you back but didn't take the opportunity because of someone else. I was so scared to choose one or the other because of the fear of losing one of you. They say if you love two people go with the second because that means you never really loved the first, but I really did love you. I loved you so much. You were all I cared about for so long and there's no real explanation for it. You were a complete jerk to me over half the time. It seemed like you turned into a completely different person when we went in public than when it was just me and you. You didn't treat me like a girlfriend and not even like a friend at all, but I stuck with you. I was convinced that you would realize this and change yourself. But I stayed with you for so long because I didn't care about how you treated me as much as I should have. All I cared about was being able to call you mine. I miss it so much, but I know it can never be what it used to. I know we've both moved on at least a little bit and that if we go back now it'd be for nothing since you're leaving after this year to start your graduated life. You broke it off with me months ago because of the fact that you're leaving, then came crawling back to me saying you were staying for two years. When I told you I couldn't do it again you went back to saying you were leaving right after you graduate. I don't know what to believe. I wouldn't date you again because I fell head over heels for another guy who treats me better, but sometimes I miss being treated like crap. Sometimes I miss how you treated me like just another human being and nothing special just because I was your girlfriend. But sometimes I wish you could have changed and that nothing would have stopped us from being together forever. You were my first real love and I lost it. I lost you more than once, too. You broke me a total of three times, not counting what you're currently putting me through. You broke me without realizing you were breaking yourself at the same time. You understood that you were hurt just as badly after you had made the decision to attempt to move on. You make everything so hard because you act on impulse. You don't think about all of the choices and opportunities, you just pick one and go with it, and half the time you regret it. When you kissed me this last time you confused me even more. You seem to be exceptionally good at that. But for what it's worth, I'm glad you did it and I'm glad I let you. I needed it but I would have been way better off without it. I miss having you an everyday part of my life but if you tried to be in it again like that I don't think I'd be able to handle it. I'd want you to be mine again even more. I miss your hugs, I miss your kisses, and I miss how you would laugh. I miss how you would let me play your video games and talk to your friends online. I miss being home alone with you and eating all of your food and drinking all of your orange juice. I miss how your parents treated me like their own child, and they totally liked me better. I miss holding your hand when you drove me home, and how your dad would get grossed out when we would kiss goodbye. I miss how you didn't force me into anything and how you would pick me up to kiss me. I miss looking in the mirror and laughing at our height difference, and I miss spending almost every day after school with you. I miss telling you I love you and I miss falling asleep on you. I miss turning the TV on but never watching it and I miss tapping the hard spot in the middle of your chest. I miss tickeling your one tickle spot and hanging out with you and Josh after school. I miss feeling the little hairs that are always shorter than the rest of your hair on the tip of your forehead and using my fingers to pretend to kiss you. I miss mimicking my first kiss and making fun of people with you. I miss everything about you, especially being able to call you mine. People would always tease me about being with you but I didn't care. I had that unknown something making me stay. Honestly, I wish things would have been different. I wish I would have lost you and found you again before I had the chance to find someone else. If this had happened, you would have realized the things you were doing wrong but I would have came back to you because there would be nothing holding me back. I just wish things would have been different, but all I can do is try to move on. Wish me luck.