September 20, 2013
I had a great morning so far. I came into your class. I was hoping
to exceed your expectations for me. I practiced this scene over and
over again. I learned my lines. We wanted to surprise you, afterall
we are the worst actors in the class. Our scene was done. I felt
pretty good about it. Critism time... You assumed that I didn't
learn my lines. My partner backed me up and said she was the one
who was messing up. You then said I should make a choice. I was
trying to tell you how we asked her to help us, but
it didn't help that much. The suggestions she
made were great, but it didn't seem to help me and my partner.
We tried to get her to help more, but she didn't
really know how to. We wanted her to help us choose who we
were and how to carry out the character, but she
didn't really understand what I was saying. We wanted to
surprise you with an amazing performance from the worst actors...
You cut me off mid-sentence while I was trying to explain. You told
me I was acting like an 8 year old, trying to make an excuse for my
bad performance on someone else. You are being immature and other
stuff too. You did this infront of the whole class while I was
onstage. "I never got a good job, Mary." or "That
was one of the best performances you have done." I somehow
held in crying on stage and the rest of class until Courtney came
up and said "Good Job." That's all I wanted was a
good job. She was the only one who gave it to me. I cried while she
hugged me and you asked me to step into your office. You then
proceeded to tell me that I've been a little bit edgy this
semester. I've been mean. When everyone else is making a funny
joke and I try, it sounds so rude. This made me cry harder.
It's funny how fast your day can be ruined. But don't
worry, sir. I won't be mean anymore. Tomorrow, I will stop
eating and only drink, so I can lose the weight that my doctor said
I so desperately needed to lose. Monday will come around I
won't talk. I'll smile, but I won't be myself. Then I
will come home to do a load of homework, to get good grades to
please my parents, who will probably just fight the whole night and
make me feel bad for being a horrible daughter as I keep to myself.
I will do all of this while having extreme fatigue due to my
medical condition causing me to bleed out of my crotch for months
on end. I am already having troubles with seeing myself as fat and
ugly now, having troubles with losing weight, having troubles with
friends, being angry at myself if anyone thinks I am being mean,
even if it's just cause I said no. Please don't worry about
any of that sir. Just add another pebble to the weight upon my
shoulders. Hopefully it will be over, soon.
-M.K