Miacookie

Alright first of all…I invented water; you've probably drank it, or swam in it before - yea, that stuff... I made that. You're welcome.
I am a retired astronaut
I've competed in the UFC professionally, I'm undefeated inside the octagon.
I can fly, no you can't see.
I'm Married to Batman
I can dance very well, it's 98% likely that I've got much better rhythm than you do.
Your family wanted to adopt me when we were kids but my parents beat yours in a karate tournament.
I can answer the mysteries of the universe - just ask me.
I get presents on your birthday, from your friends, if they're mutual friends, I get your present.
President Obama voted for me in the most recent presidential election, so did John McCain.
I punched a shark in the face and made it cry on more than one occasion.
When I was a kid, I single handedly built a time machine and stopped Hitler from winning WWII. Yea... you're welcome, world.
I look directly into the sun, absorb the sunlight and then use it to see in the dark later.
I was offered the Nobel Peace Prize over seventeen times in my young adult life, but I do not enjoy media attention. For this reason I also won American Idol season 1, but they could not air the footage.
The character of Indiana Jones was loosely based on my adventures in Archaeology, they toned it down for a PG rating.
I'm fireproof.
The devil sold his soul to me, I gave it Justin Bieber.
I helped develop philosophy.
I designed the blueprints for The Sphinx
I beat Stephen Hawking @ the science fair.
I smell great.
I'm awesome