liziferkinz

My school > your school

You don’t understand, but I wouldn’t expect you to understand so it’s okay. We’re from totally different worlds. You, from a world of stability and confidence. Us, from a world of insecturity and brokeness. We could be crying on the inside, but be smiling bigger than ever on the outside. We fight a war in our head but we wouldn’t dare show a thing to the word. We only tell people what’s going on in our heads if we completely trust them or if they’re going through the same thing.

We have a totally different idea of beautiful. To you, beautiful might be a healthy looking girl with a light touch of makeup. To us, beautiful is bones. We celebrate each new bone we can see that we weren’t able to before. Ribs. Hip bones. Thigh gap. Collar bones. Those are all motivation for us. We starve ourselves to see them and to you that’s crazy. We look in the mirror and see 1000 pounds staring back at us.

501+ calories in a day means a purge. 200-500 calories a day is an acceptable amount. 1-199 is great. 0 is perfect. We strive to have the perfect body. Our definition of perfect might be a little different, but we don’t care. It’s unhealthy, so what? We don’t reward ourselves with food. Food is our enemy, we don’t give in to the enemy. What is a normal meal to you is a binge for us. A binge is when you take in an excessive amount of something. Our definition of binge goes with food.

We do not mess up or give in. If we do we purge and work out for hours. Everything turns into a work out. We keep moving because every single little movement adds up and every calorie burnt counts. 3500 calories burned is the equal to one pound of fat. Fat is the enemy. We take down the enemy. If we mess up we take a blade to our skin. We’re soldiers fighting a war. There are many battle wounds.

We are dedicated. This isn’t an overnight thing. This is a slow process and it gets even slower as we go on. We don’t stop. We want our bodies to be perfect. We’re programed into it by now. And the only thing harder than programing ourselves that way, is getting ourselves out. Which we refuse to do.

So before you make ignorant judgements on people with eating disorders, look at it through our side. See how it is every single day to fight a war to feel beautiful.