i used to be the friend that takes on average 72 hours to respond to a text. but now you've turned me into a different type of beast. i'm anxiously attached to my phone until the release hits and i get a text from you. the anxiety seeps out and transforms into a bubbly light feeling in my head. i don't like that my mood still dips down with the affect or inflection of others. i'm not happy that i will have to feel this little discomfort till the day i die. i'm not happy that he's so different from what i know is good for me. i hate that most days i get through by a combination of visual, auditory and physical distractions. i hate how numbed out and callous i can be when i'm hurt. i hate that sometimes writing things down is the only way i can recognise how i am doing. this whole time i was trying to keep him afloat but it killed a piece of me. my toxic positivity leaves me starved of attention and so infuriatingly meek. i've fallen for a friend that i see no future with. till this day seeing my mother laugh with my sister makes me happy and stings me just as bad. when i can't get a word in it brings me back to the worst feeling of all. so many disconnected feelings exist within me and i wish i could have it all sorted out once and for all.
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