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Half of me is a girl who wants to be free, rebellious and reckless. Yet the other half is dominant and keeps that girl in chains.
Just why do I only have the courage to speak out the words that I have been dying to tell you when you are not here to listen?

"I was once a blazing inferno, I felt everything, I was full of life.
But I let my sparks fly and heat those I love, and as the cliche stands:
they got burnt. The realization that my hands could hurt someone that
badly made me detatch, quench my fire, becoming cold and heartless.
Of course in every story about becoming a coldhearted Statue they soon
follow with that special someone who melted them into a caring puppy.
But I'm not Mr. Darcy or any of those people, I'm much too arogant and
scared to let love break my stone layers. So I stop feeling things that
cause me to do things, no desire, no attachment, no strings for you to play
in my heart. Instead an Anylitical mind is much more effective at
preventing hurt."

I've thought this way for so long it's now second nature to anylize
my relationships and treat people like priorities in a Chess game.
Move this person here, let that one go. Completely ignoring the
humanity behind these people. I will change, I will change
Please make sure to tell me when I'm hardening up again. Please
combat my anylitical attacks with sincear love that I currently
don't have. And above all please don't become like me. Your
fire is too caring, too full of feeling, and too sincear to let go.
The world wouldn't be the same without your crackling love.


Do you know how many nights I've spent writing and rewriting paragraphs only to never send them to you? How I've spent hours into the night staring at my screen or paper trying to find words that mean something, words that would be worth your attention. Only to give up because my mind isn't capable of expressing what I feel in words. I know that phrase is over-used but I really can't find the words that somehow others can to express what is felt about you. And I hate that, but right now I want you to know I love, appreciate, care for, admire?  DAMNIIT THESE WORDS MEAN NOTHING THEY AREN'T EVEN CLOSE TO WHAT I FEEL. Maybe If I find more emotional words like "My heart pitter-patters for you" no, nobody says that anymore. What about how she affects my life? Who am I kidding, if I knew how she affected my life we wouldn't need to date. Why is this so hard?
Maybe I'll have the words tomorow...

I'm going to bed.
"A woman is never so honest in words to her man as when she is made by him the angriest person."
~Anuj Somany
fall in love with me and I will love you more than the stars love the night sky and even the galaxy
Cause she feels more alive in her own dreams...

sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but ‘Mom’s’ probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breathe in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.

I'll never forget The day I died
love memories Frozen and denied
flower of my heart withered and dried..

I'm hanging by a thread, a rope, the noose 
around my neck I choke cause everytime i'm
falling love falls out of me..

I'm hardend like a rock, a stone, the brick inside 
my chest alone cause everytime i'm falling
love falls out of me...

"Who would want to love manic depressive girl?"
"Me. Major depressive boy."
-excerpt from real life
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