Tonight I listened to a
voicemail you left me three months ago. In it, you told me to go
f*ck myself. I still remember that night. I still remember those
words rolling off your tongue so gracefully. I remember wondering
how someone so beautiful could be so cruel..
Two months ago I called you at 3am. I expected you to ignore it
or send me to voicemail. Those are two of the things you were
best at. You answered and I felt my heart begin to race. You
probably thought it was because I missed you, but it really was
because I didn't expect you to answer. I asked you how you
were and you there quiet and confused. It's like you forgot I
existed or that I was a part of your life. You told me
"fine" and I smiled. That was the last conversation we
had. I made sure to let go of you, and every negative word that
was said in a peaceful way.
Fast forward two months, and I still wonder how you are. If you
heard me say this, you'd probably blush like you used to when
I say these things because I still love you, or because I still
want you. But that's not the case.
You see, six months ago I was jumping through hoops to please
you. To make sure you were happy before myself. To make sure I
was the one causing your happiness. But it's not six months
ago. It is now, and now I miss you. I miss when you'd call
just to see how my day was. And how you seemed to care, even if
you didn't. I miss the friendship and the secrets and the
stories. And maybe someday it'll be different. Maybe
you'll call me on a Tuesday afternoon and ask me how my day
These are the things I think about before my eyes close and
I'm rewarded with sleep.
But for right now?