Real Life
Part
one.
I absentmindedly put my finger into
my coffee. To my surprise, it was cold. I frowned. How long had
I been daydreaming for? Perhaps 'daydreaming' was not
the correct word to use in this context; usually it is
associated with people thinking about happy things, and I
definetly was not doing that, nor anything of the sort. I was
thinking about how much I hated my life. I'm the typical
middle class girl, I suppose. I have a roof over my head.
I'm getting an iPod Touch for Christmas and I am going on
holiday. I have good grades at school. Oh, of course
there's nothing wrong with my life on the exterior, but
inside me I just wish I could get out. I used to self harm, I
cut myself. Ten months ago, I was doing it every night. I
stopped that. It has gone down to around once a month.
Sometimes I just cannot control myself - I see something sharp
and I just have to press it into my skin, but of course I
haven't gone deep enough to go to hospital yet... Well,
when my school found out I self harmed they asked if I wanted
to go to hospital and get my cuts dressed, but I said no. A few
months ago they asked me to go to counselling sessions at the
same hospital, but again I didn't want to. I didn't
want to meet others like me. I didn't want the therapists
to look at me with pity in their eyes, or someone to look at me
and think 'Why does SHE self harm, there is nothing wrong
with her life at all.'
I hate it when people do that. They don't know what my life
is like. My family are always arguing and shouting, and mainly
the shouting is directed at me. It stresses me out so much that
I go upstairs and self harm. Most of the time it is scratches
now but like I said, around once a month I cut deep. With a
knife. There are people at school who think I am just a weirdo.
It's true I suppose... My social life is terrible.
Actually, my social life is non-existent. I am not allowed to
go out after school. I am not allowed to walk home with my
friends. I am not allowed to go out on a weekend. I just hate
it.
Probably the worst thing is that I am bisexual, and if my
family ever found out they would hate me. People at school
know, they know I have a girlfriend but my family can never
know. My nana once said to my auntie, and I wouldn't be
scared if I didn't know this, if my auntie hadn't told
me. She said 'If you are ever a lesbian, I will disown
you.' Even though my uncle is gay, she seems to have a
problem with lesbians. I myself have not heard her speak
against them but now I live in fear of being rejected by my
family, or ridiculed by them or others who may find
out.