HidingtheHurt

Anorexia is not a joke.

It's not a diet that you can just stop.  You can't escape from it because it's controlling you, not the other way around.  It's an addiction and it's scary and its dangerous.  

It honestly kills me when I hear somebody talk about resrticting (or purging) food.  Type in "anorexic girls" and what you will see are skeletons.  The thing is, while they look horrifying to most, people with anorexia want to look like them.  They want to BE them.  I wanted to be them.  Sometimes, I still do.

Anorexia destroys lives, families, friendships, trust, happiness and so much more.  Recovering is pretty d*mn hard and not everybody does.  

Girls, you are beautiful and strong, and whatever you are going through you can beat it.  You can be happy one day.  If you need to talk, vent, cry, anything.  I am here for you.

Eating makes you strong, not weak, no
matter how impossible it seems.

And today my mom decided she was going to name the "Anorexic" person in me
She started asking to call me Ana
My mom
I hate her

I wish I was better at starving myself........

As hard as I try I just have the most difficult time.  Plus, if my parents start to suspect anything, they say they are checking me into a hospital.  I already see a therapist.  I don't want to get sent away.

On the bright side, today I finally weighed just barely under 80 punds!  That's something right?

I'm Sad



 

And Tonight....
I Cut A Little Deeper.

I'm really depressed right now.  And I want to cut.  And I promised my friend I wouldn't.  And I'm not sure if she's my friend anymore.  And I haven't cut in three weeks.  And I want to right now.  And I'm scared.  And I'm sad.  And I'm ugly.  And I'm fat.  And I try to starve myself.  And I fail a lot.  And I'm worthless.  And I wish I was never alive.  And I wish for once that somebody would actually care.

Her brush was sharp
The paint was crimson
And the canvase was her body



 

I am honestly falling apart.  I self harm and try to starve myself.  I hate my body.  My hair, eyes, lips, nose, waist, arms, thighs.  You name it. I see a therapist, but it's not working.  My friend and I have secrets, but I want to tell somebody about what she does SO BADLY because she isn't getting any help at all.  She isn't seeing someone, or even trying to get better.  And every time I look at her it kills me because I know that it's all my fault.  I know I should tell somebody because if you love somebody you are willing to let them go (I say this because if I got her help she would probably never speak to me again.) but at the same time I don't know what I would do without her.  She is the only person I trust and I just don't think I can live without her.  I hate this.  I hate this.  I hate this.  I hate this.  Any advice?  Please, I'm desperate.

HELP
 

Long but worth it <3

And it honestly kills me....

When I see a quote from somebody who wants to kill themself.  You are all so beautiful/handsome! I literally look at your profile pics and think I wish I had her hair, or her eyes or smile or body because ever single one of you is gorgeous!  I know what it's like to wish you were dead.  Believe me, there are some days where I want to be dead or just not exist  too.  There are times where the blades win and when my stomach is empty and I feel so depressed I don't think I can make it, but I never give up.  Because I know that even though it seems like nobody cares, letting go of life will hurt soo many people around me.  I know somebody who killed themself because they thought the world would be better off without them.  Guess what?  People cried over him for months upon months.  It is impossible to imagine how much pain you would put so many people through because you believe that nobody cares.  Two of my close friends tried to kill themselves and it literally broke me down.  Honestly, if it weren't for one person, I think I would be gone now. Not dead, but really deep down depressed because she means the world to me.  I'm terrified she will try again.  I'm afraid she'll go to far this time and succeed.  Please, get help before you go to far because your life is precious so don't end it short. Don't hurt the people who love you!  Call 1-800-273-8255 (suicide hotline)

Stay Strong