Going through a box of objects my mom would keep overtime of art
work my brother or I would come home with from school, homemade
cards, a bunch of things to look back on.. When my mom and I were
going through it and I opened up a little journal that she said
my dad kept for himself. I read it and my eyes filled with tears
instantly. My dad was my hero, the strongest man I ever have
known and loved. He wrote this in his journal long after the
tragic death of my brother Tegan. I'll hold on to this
journal forever. My dad was the strongest man that not only lost
his one and only son, but also fought cancer for 8 years
and finally was able to be escape and be free. My daddy, 12.23.75
- 7.25.13
“
FOUR SHOVELS, ONE MISSING BOY.
In my garage hang 4 shovels that were used, as a matter of
ceremony, to bury my dear son. Every day I come home I see them.
I can't NOT see them. These shovels are now symbols of what
matters most and the price my family paid to be reminded of such.
When I see them, suddenly material things are worthless to me;
the persuit of fame and attention, ring hollow and lame; and all
the tinsel and chatter of the world lose their luster and powers
of persuasion.
I just see 4 sacred symbols, still bearing dirt from the burial
site, and am reminded of one missing boy I would do anything to
see and hold again.
I don't keep these symbols visible to agitate already tender
wounds nor do I use them to fixate on the pain of loss; the
kitchen table with an empty chair does that well enough. Instead,
these shovels keep me focused and clear-minded. They remind me of
the realities of life and also point to my most treasured
relationships. Each day I leave my garage remembering Tegan and I
make a promise to do better than the day before - to make
whatever time I have on this earth matter. When I return home I
am reminded to talk a little softer, to listen more intently, and
to love my visibly... For everything, and I mean everything, is
temporary.
These symbols keep me sober and sane. They remind me to never dig
a pit for my neighbor or intentionally cause harm to others, but
rather to take compassion and help dig others out of trouble and
help where I can. They remind me that I, too, will one day be
laid to rest and I will be held accountable for my choices.. for
the help or harm I caused others.
I hope to never hurt another, but always help.. and if I'm
lucky, to build a soul with Heaven's
help.