letting_go_ofyou

 

05.19.10
8:52PM
Dear Journal,
I kind of just can't take it anymore. My friends picked their favourites, and I'm not one of them. I' was so sad today when I got home because I miss the way things used to be with me ad the boy...and him, dreadful, dreadful him,...He talked to one of my best friends because his little brother wanted to talk to her brother. I simply hate it, and tomorrow I can't wake up early, not care how I look, and just go with the flow. Because everything I do is not enough. Nothing is. His expectations are so high, I can't be them. My best friend can. So...
I give up. Everyone wins.
-me.



04.13.10
7:28AM
Dear Journal,
I'm waiting for my dad to get home, I'm late for school. Maybe I'll see him, but that's a 99.99% "You Will Not See Him." Bleh.
I am having better days then I did, I thank God for everything. I've made new friends, I've gotten closer with three of my friends, and everything is going well.
Now I'm just afraid for that terrible drop I will have, off this beautiful mountain, where everything is ...almost perfect.
From, Me.


04.07.10
9:00PM
Dear Journal,
You know it's pretty sad when you keep wishing you are someone else. And that's what I think. I noticed today, I'm not a very good person. I don't work on new friendships very well, but I'm trying. I really am. It's so hard for me, I'm a shy girl. I can't believe how I got so pissed off this morning in first period at my friend. It shocks me; really. Like I wished I didn't have so many classes with her. But I felt like she was rubbing it in my face she hangs out with her ex-crush now. I don't know, It just really pissed me off. And then she started commenting on my shorts, and said she was prettier and I couldn't take it. If it wasn't for my other friend, or my stupid stupid emotions, I would have got up and moved somewhere else that morning. Second period, I got free and let myself calm down. I saw him again, I do a lot! Today he was all "lookey-starrey". I was wearing shorts today. HAHAHA. Oh dear. So right now I'm jamming out to Taylor Swift ♥ She's the only artist I can listen to without thinking of someone, only hear the lyrics. Isn't that weird? It probably is. XD
Anywho, remember my friend who has trouble...He went to therapy today, and they gave him some type of pills. I didn't hear much, but he's going to tell me everything later...Gosh, I really want to give him a hug. I do ):  He was just fine this whole week,  on saturday we texted until 2:40 in the morning, only cause I fell asleep after my last text. We could have gone all night...I can't believe it.  Well, I'm going to write my new story now...so see ya.
From, Me.

 

04.07.10
8:46PM
Dear Boy;
You were quite nice today. I know you don't have the same feelings for me...I knew it today. I'll survive, but you're always going to have a place in my heart, for being the first boy to try to open me up. I failed  at doing so, and I wonder what would have happened if I already felt comfortable around you. I'm starting to now, because I'm sick of being quiet. I bet you're sick of me. It's okay. I understand. I'm too hard to live with, it happens.
From, Me.

04.05.10
5:50PM
Dear Him,
Why do you think you're awesome. I'm starting to wonder why I like you, not even in a good way. You throw shit at my guy friend. Like what the fuck. Get better friends, because I know you're going to change from a shy, sweet boy, to a jackass, pothead just like you're best friend is. Oh, and if you think the way you acted today was okay?
Then fuck you. I hate you.
From, Me.



04.02.10
2:19AM
Dear  Him,
Sorry my birthday thing is late...I wrote a whole paragraph for you...But you'll never find it..
Love Me.

03.30.10
11:06PM
Dear Reader,
I'm getting so scared these days. He's  so depressed..He's cutting himself. I'm so scared. I pray every night for him. He might die, and I wouldn't be able to take it. He wanted to kill himself today, I almost cried. I stopped him. He's getting therapy for his panic attacks on Thursday. He needs it...I wish I could be there for him. He needs someone there...He's told me everything...His parents are never home...No one talks to him, but me...I don't know what to do, I'm just scared. What if he decides to go, when I'm sleeping? Or with my friends? I can never leave him. I text him everyday now, even if I'm with friends. I need to talk to him. He might do something crazy if he has no one to talk to, or have something to do. I'm so scared...I can't sleep well anymore. I used to, but now I can't. I just can't. He's ALWAYS on my  mind now. I think I'm going to start  texting him during school. I can't leave him...He's been through so much...God...Dear Lord...His guardian angel...Anyone in heaven...Please...Help him...I can be on hold for now...He needs help...And I ask you, anybody...Help  him. Please, I beg of you...
Love, Me.

03.30.10
1:55AM
Dear Reader,
Yep, not him. I have nothing to say, but only write about my day. I went to my friends house. I went to the mall. I saw a lot of hot guys, but then remembering myself and my age, I would never get someone like them. It's impossible. So, now I'm just on twitter, tweeting. I'm bored. I was hoping to see him at the mall today, but it didn't happen. Gar.
Love, Me.


03.28.10
9:34AM
Dear Him,
You like being in my dreams? Yeah? Kay. But I swear, next monday if you keep ignoring me, I'm done with you.
Love, Me.

03.27.10
Dear Him,
Oh my, you were in my dream last night. But  you were still shy in it. As usual. In my dream, you saw me, and walked away from me. Just like you did yesterday. I don't even know what we were doing...Answering questions? Singing a song? I don't remember. But I remember you were there.
Love, Me.

3.26.10
Dear Him,
I'm so sad. I'm not going to see you for a full week and a day. But you know, i still don't know why I like you. But, on the way to play after school, I saw you down the hall, and you walked away and hid. Did I do something? Because, I'm so confused now. 2 weeks ago, I REALLY thought you liked me. But I guess...I was wrong.
Love, Me.



3.25.10
Dear Him,
You ignored me today too. I'm seriously getting depressed, and here you are, ditching me, after two lousy weeks. That's all I seriously need now, to be even more depressed as summer comes along.Bad enough I'm losing friends, but now I've lost you too..
Love, Me.


3.25.10
Dear BOY,
I wasn't at school the other
day because I didn't feel good.
Don't give me attitude, and then
go talk to one of the girls who
spreaded us apart.
Why do you think I always ignore
you now. You're always talking
to her, and when you talk to me,
I'm really not in the mood.
Don't ask me why I'm so quiet,
Don't start trying to be nice after
being a douche, and you know
I'm pretty much getting sick of you.
You no longer make me feel special.
Love, Me.

3.24.10
Dear Him,
Didn't bother going to school wonder how that was for you.
Love, Me.

3.19.10
Dear Him;
Something is going on. You're friends didn't stare at me down the hall for nothing.
Love, Me.

3.17.10
Dear Him,
Starring at me, when I enter your quiet study...Made me shaky when I left.
Love, Me.

3.16.10
Dear Him,
You caught me commenting on a darn book with my friends. Oh, how dorky that was.
Love, Me.

3.12.10
Dear Him.
"Just do it, do it now!" You backed up. Walked behind me and my friends, but stopped. Later thatday, your friend says hello to me. What's going on?
Love, Me.

Don't live by other people's rules, make your own. You're your own person, do not follow. Stand out in the crowd. It may seem hard, but it's worth being different in the end.

 

04.05.10
5:54PM
Listening  to random music, thinking about him, and becoming pissed off more and more. Then I think of  boy and start to feel depressed. Bleh. What a nice day back to school after spring break....

03.30.10
11:13PM
My text message, I hope it went through.


03.30.10
1:59AM
I'm tired and listening to music.

03.28.10
It's the kind of mood when you're like "I just want to talk to him...." mood. Going to church soon, so maybe my spirit will be lifted.

03.27.10
I'm feeling a little bit better today. I almost cried again this morning, I was still getting over the other night. My mom yellled at me, because I had to clean my room, and I sat at my desk, head in hands, about to cry. I felt it coming. But I stopped myself. I looked at my dog, and the feeling went away. Without my dog, even though she doesn't adore me like I adore her, she's the one who saved me this morning....I just wish she would know that...

03.26.10
i was crying. i think, it was more the fact that i was facing I'm becoming mentally depressed...I even took a test for it, and it said I was clincially depressed...I'm breaking inside...I need a way out...



 

 

i'm going crazy, for his love.
songs that pop on, make me think of him.
i go out of my way, to see you.
i hate most of his guy friends.

i write all over my converse.
they are breaking inside.
but on the outside, it looks a little dirty, but wearable.