theWordthatKills

  Allow me to introduce myself!

status:I'm fine, I promise...

I'm Gia! I'm 13, and know a little too much for my age...I understand certain things better than my friends, but those are those minor things that don't matter. I miss al the big things, and everything confuses me! I'm generally fun to be around, and can joke and laugh even when I'm in a horrible mood. AKA most of the time. Only one person knows all my secrets, and that's my boyfriend/bestfriend, Riley. I'm not really sure where I'd be if he wasn't there to listen to my constant complaining..Sorry about that bud..
I like the colors green and purple, and love books, Witty, and music. I don't know where I'd be without music. Music seems to influence my mood too. I can't sing, but most of the time, I'll be singing at the top of my lungs, even if I can't be heard over my music. That's basically me in a nutshell. If you wanna know my life's story(not really a life's story, more like my issues and fears and things like that), it's in the box below. Got a question? Comment<3  

  I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment

If you're wondering, yes, I am messed up. My head is the scariest place in my world. I hate going to sleep at night now. I don't even know where to start. There is no beginning, really. Well, I guess there's a beginning of when it came back? Yeah, I'll start there. I was 12(yeah, I know that's really young considering it was only 6th grade, but I was 12) and I liked this boy(not naming any names). We "dated"(really just a title) for a month or two, and then summer rolled around and I said we should just be friends. A month or two later he texted me saying all this stuff about me(I can't name what he said because it's the reason Witty may shut down if we don't keep it out of here) and I started believing it. I cut myself for the first time. That's when my insecurities began. Every night, when I went to sleep, I would see images of him hurting me, or me hurting myself. It took over my daydreams and dreams at night. It was a rough summer. I tried starving myself, but my friends made me stop. They made me stop cutting by starting to cut themselves until I stopped, and threatening to never forgive me and I was afraid they would leave. I had to stop. The scars are still on my wrist. I thought about and attempted suicide. It got worse, but then school started, and I had a new chance. Everyone at my old school found out about my cutting problem, but no one here knew! Things started looking up! Minor bullying came into play, and old feelings came back. It kept going. I was a "pregnant man with leaking period juice" and a nerd and a loser and fat and a few choice words I won't say. I'm still bullied. They don't understand how much I take this to heart. I don't care about being a nerd and a loser, or even the choice words, cuz it's true, but I'm not a man, I'm a girl, and you know that, cuz you stare at my chest daily. Fat. That's what kills me. That's what I'm going to change. I'm not eating. I'm done eating. I'll make it look like I ate at dinner, and "forget" my lunch. I won't have time for breakfast. I'm done. If I'm fat now, they'll see soon enough. They don't know how far I'll go to make it stop. Not yet. Soon enough they will, and they won't care. They'll find something new to torment me with, and make me change that too. Old feeling of depression are coming back, and I took a survey on personality disorders, and it said I should consult my doctor because my results weren't too good...I've been eyeballing the extra razor I keep in my dreser drawer, and I'm trying to keep it there, but it's hard. I feel like I need to. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about all this...I know that there are people out there in situations much worse than mine, and I've tried telling myself my life is actually okay, but I can't change my own mind. My mind scares me, so so so much, because I created a world to escape to. An escape gone bad. It's not a happy place anymore, it's dark and depressing and I watch myself suffer, and hurt myself and other people around me that I love. It's taking over my life. If I fall into a daydream, it goes to that, I can't help it, and when I sleep at night, majority of the time, it's my world gone bad. It's not even MY world anymore, and I don't know how to stop it.