Dudu*

i know it was best for me but i hate feeling vulnerable

i hate this feeling.
shouldn't it be effortless?
am i putting all this pressure on you when it's all my anxiety?
i don't know which one it is.
i don't feel this way with others.
I don't think it's on me. 
somewhere along the way i learnt i can't trust you.

i'll make it out on top.
i'm in control of my circumstances.
i decide how i react and i decide how the day goes.

it's like i'm underwater and everything is at a stand still.
i want to change everything about me but can't rip the band aid still.
relationships dying with time passing but i'm stalling still.
these crumbs of passion leave me starving still.
a pleasant future clouded by anxiety still.
confessions brewing but i'm choking still.
my black dog wants the reigns still.

i knew it then for sure, the night after her wedding.
when you sighed lightly and turned to me.
you said it so gleefully, so happily.
my gut wrenched and my ears wanted to bleed.

"now that we have thrown a big wedding, for the rest of you we don't have to."

my eerie stadium of hawk eyed critics who should have been my everything.
it's just always felt like this, always felt so odd.
i walked on this tight rope with nothing  noone to hold.
i've no back up plan, i had to be successful.
cause anytime i falter, you both become so bold.

you flock to me with the most bewildered look in your eyes. 
am i really breaking down, will you both finally see me cry?
i've always felt like you were vultures who were just waiting to strike.
it never felt like support, the way you critiqued my life.

so now i comfort myself with "this was meant to be".
but i see you treat them all very differently.
you can be so reassuring when you want to be.
it's almost all over now, i'm learning to leave.
but it still hurts me, still makes my eyes sting.
you were the best parents, but just not to me.

he's just so handsome and kind.
so thoughtful and nice.
i couldn't help it.
today, after seeing him after a while,
i've fallen again.

we'll be so unique.
no lyrics or novels could resemble us.
only poems we write would do us justice.

it's okay, it's a lesson learnt.