i'm seriously considering filling my pockets with
glitter and whenever someone near me says something really stupid or rude, i'll just reach into my pocket with a dead expression and realease the glitter into the sky above their head and watch it shower over them like a baptism of stupid.
one time in high school i didn't read the assigned book
and i was like screw it imma write this essay anyway and i had no idea what the book was even about or who the characters were so i just spewed out some bs about archetypes and the teacher came up to me after class and told me i was the only student who truly understood the book.
Every book
you've ever read
is just a different combination
of 26 letters.
Weird, isn't
it?
Sister: What's a
pedestrian?
Me: Ask mom.
Sister: I can't it sounds dirty.
Me: Fine...YOU'RE THE BIGGEST PEDESTRIAN I EVER SEEN!
Sister: MOM SHE CALLED ME A PEDESTRIAN.
Mom: But you are a pedestrain
Sister: *cries*
Me: Ask mom.
Sister: I can't it sounds dirty.
Me: Fine...YOU'RE THE BIGGEST PEDESTRIAN I EVER SEEN!
Sister: MOM SHE CALLED ME A PEDESTRIAN.
Mom: But you are a pedestrain
Sister: *cries*
A white m&m comes into a room with candy friends.
White m&m: ~engages conversation with a mentos and jellybean~
Jellybean: Hey so where are you from anyway, white m&m?
White m&m: Oh I'm from that chocolate m&m bag over there!
Jellybean: Wait... if you're from a CHOCOLATE m&m bag, then why are you white??
Mentos: OH MY GOD JELLYBEAN, YOU CAN'T JUST ASK CANDIES WHY THEY'RE WHITE
You know that quiet girl in class?
Yeah, she goes home and makes fun of all of you on Witty.
Yeah, she goes home and makes fun of all of you on Witty.
I passed a real gentleman in Boston a few weeks ago.
Dude (into cellphone): I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR F//CKING JAW. THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, DO YOU HEAR ME? YOUR F//CKING JAW. I'M GONNA BREAK--hold on, give me a second. There's a lady walking by.
Dude (into cellphone): I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR F//CKING JAW. THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, DO YOU HEAR ME? YOUR F//CKING JAW. I'M GONNA BREAK--hold on, give me a second. There's a lady walking by.
