Best Funny Quotes This Week





i'm seriously considering filling my pockets with
glitter and whenever someone near me says something really stupid or rude, i'll just reach into my pocket with a dead expression and realease the glitter into the sky above their head and watch it shower over them like a baptism of stupid.



 




one time in high school i didn't read the assigned book
and i was like screw it imma write this essay anyway and i had no idea what the book was even about or who the characters were so i just spewed out some bs about archetypes and the teacher came up to me after class and told me i was the only student who truly understood the book.




 

 Every book
you've ever read
is just a different combination
of 26 letters.
Weird, isn't it?

 





the person who invented marriage was creepy:
"hey, i love you so much, i'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave."




 
Sister: What's a pedestrian?

Me: Ask mom.

Sister: I can't it sounds dirty.

Me: Fine...YOU'RE THE BIGGEST PEDESTRIAN I EVER SEEN!

Sister: MOM SHE CALLED ME A PEDESTRIAN.

Mom: But you are a pedestrain

Sister: *cries*


A white m&m comes into a room with candy friends.
White m&m: ~engages conversation with a mentos and jellybean~
Jellybean: Hey so where are you from anyway, white m&m?
White m&m: Oh I'm from that chocolate m&m bag over there!
Jellybean: Wait... if you're from a CHOCOLATE m&m bag, then why are you white??
Mentos: OH MY GOD JELLYBEAN, YOU CAN'T JUST ASK CANDIES WHY THEY'RE WHITE
You know that quiet girl in class?
Yeah, she goes home and makes fun of all of you on Witty.
I passed a real gentleman in Boston a few weeks ago.
Dude (into cellphone): I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR F//CKING JAW. THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, DO YOU HEAR ME? YOUR F//CKING JAW. I'M GONNA BREAK--hold on, give me a second. There's a lady walking by.




someone called me fat today at school because
i was eating chips in math class so i looked at them, then to my bag of chips, then poured the rest of the bag inside my mouth and without breaking eye contact, pulled out another bag from my backback and kept eating.




 







 

do you ever

make a huge scene
and then march off to your bedroom but
eventually you get hungry and you
feel like you can’t leave your room because you
want to prove a point or something

 









 

 
f o r m a t   j i m m y 3 6 5 
 
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