This is just me venting, feel free to ignore it.
My friends decided to abandon me today. After moving away from each other, we all decided that we would meet up at my place and hang out. But, eventually they all decided that they had better things to do, and by better things, I mean "getting drunk at a party, going on a date with a new girlfriend, and just staying home and studying." That last one is just offensive. Seriously? Is studying suddenly more fun than hanging out with me? What did I do wrong? And that one friend would rather go to a party with people she's only known for a month than see the friend she has known for four years? What have I done? I haven't really made any friends at the new place either. I'm trying, but I just can't connect with them. I don't know what's wrong with me! Why am I like this? Why do all the friends I make always leave me?
My friends decided to abandon me today. After moving away from each other, we all decided that we would meet up at my place and hang out. But, eventually they all decided that they had better things to do, and by better things, I mean "getting drunk at a party, going on a date with a new girlfriend, and just staying home and studying." That last one is just offensive. Seriously? Is studying suddenly more fun than hanging out with me? What did I do wrong? And that one friend would rather go to a party with people she's only known for a month than see the friend she has known for four years? What have I done? I haven't really made any friends at the new place either. I'm trying, but I just can't connect with them. I don't know what's wrong with me! Why am I like this? Why do all the friends I make always leave me?
My battle
I couldn't thin of anything else to do.
Because I was all alone.
Because I was all alone.
Because nobody cared.
Because I was worthless.
Because there was no point.
Because the thought of dying crossed my mind everyday.
Because the urge to kill myself continued to get stronger.
And stronger.
Until one night I attempted something.
Something I wish I could take back.
But also something I'm glad I didn't go all the way
through with.
Everything is constantly a battle.
And I want it to end.
But I don't want to end.
I try to tell myself that I can do it everyday.
That I'm not alone.
That someone cares.
That I'm worth something.
That there is a point.
That I don't want to die.
That I don't want to kill myself.
That there could be nothing better than waking up everyday.
I try hard to believe it.
To convince myself that it's all true.
I'm slowly getting there.
Maybe.
Hopefully.
Someday I'll see what makes the sun shine.
I fear the silence.
Silence makes the hurt apparent. It makes the hurt real, tangible, sharp. The hurt surrounds me until it's all I feel, all I know.
Silence makes the lonliness worse. It presses against me, closing in, holding tight. The absence of human touch, of human warmth, is made only more obvious by the cold presence of lonliness.
Silence makes the voices louder. They scream, shout, whisper, taunt, laugh. They're all I can hear. They wrap around me, suffocate me, until they become real. Until they become the only real. There is nothing else but this biting noise birthed from the silence.
I fear the silence. It is the thing that will take my life.
Silence makes the hurt apparent. It makes the hurt real, tangible, sharp. The hurt surrounds me until it's all I feel, all I know.
Silence makes the lonliness worse. It presses against me, closing in, holding tight. The absence of human touch, of human warmth, is made only more obvious by the cold presence of lonliness.
Silence makes the voices louder. They scream, shout, whisper, taunt, laugh. They're all I can hear. They wrap around me, suffocate me, until they become real. Until they become the only real. There is nothing else but this biting noise birthed from the silence.
I fear the silence. It is the thing that will take my life.
When the night falls,
And no one is near,
Might you hear calls,
Of demons to fear.
When you're scared of the dark,
And carry a brave act,
They still leave you their mark,
Since they're not fiction, but fact.
"It's
sad, actually, because my anxiety keeps me from enjoying things
as much as I should at this age."
-Amanda Seyfried
-Amanda Seyfried
I always
cursed
my own
life.
The anxiety, anger and hatred
I couldn't suppress.
The anxiety, anger and hatred
I couldn't suppress.
I Hate Getting Flashbacks From Things I Don't Want To
Remember
Not sure if I'm derpressed or afraid to be happy.
#these teenage years can end now though I've heard adult-hood isn't that great either
I
like to shop
and go out for
coffee
but I am bothered by crowds
and too many people
and sometimes
but I am bothered by crowds
and too many people
and sometimes
I think I want to go out
but when I
do
I just get
overwhelmed
or anxious
and then
I just want to go
back home
